“WHAT’S IT GOING TO BE THEN, EH?”

It is our intention that the backbone of The Means will be the truckloads of devastatingly brilliant submissions from the peoples of the Earth that arrive routinely in our office. Now you might be wondering if you are one of these select few genius inhabitants of our blue marble of a planet (with green specks). Have no fear, there is an incredibly easy way to figure this out. If you can answer yes to any one of the following questions then you sir or ma’am are, in fact, one of these people.

1. Were you on the honor roll in Junior High?
2. Can you move objects of the physical world using only your mind?
3. Have you ever considered the feasibility of operating your own Bookmobile?

At this point, we are assuming you have just passed the above test with flying colors and are ready to submit your work.

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES

The Means is looking for essays, short fiction/nonfiction, interviews, artwork, lists, journalism, and various other creative and intriguing literary items. Ideally, the work we are looking for should either make us smirk, chuckle, or laugh along with causing pain in various sections of the brain. But if you want to leave out the humor and just make our brains hurt that is welcome as well. Please, just make us think and feel. We need reassurance of our humanity.

The Means accepts submissions all year round. We have poorly defined reading periods that occur and we would rather not announce them to avoid any of the responsibility involved in staying on schedule.

As of Issue 2, we only accept digital/electronic submissions. Please use .doc or .rtf format and send the file to submissions[at]the-means.com. Include your name, address, and phone number in the body of the email.

If you want to attach a cover letter or author biography you may.

ALL submissions will be read. ALL submitters will be contacted whether their piece is accepted or denied. ALL accepted submissions will receive a free subscription and an honored place in the pantheon of our hearts as their payment.

One last thing, when you submit your piece please take one word from each of the lists below. These two words, when combined, are to create an ultimate description of you. Include it in your cover letter, bio, or email, etc. This does serve a function, as bizarre as it may appear. And who knows, maybe you will discover something about yourself.

List 1: Burly, Forlorn, Grizzled, Fucking Brilliant, Ridiculously Capable, Witty, Sarcastic, Irreverent, Iconoclastic, Frivolous, Uber, Distant, Searing, Surly, Reminiscent, Regal, Debaucherous, Salacious, Cantankerous, Svelte, Buoyant, Stoic, Forlorn

List 2: Sloth, Taskmaster, Frontiersman, Recluse, Visionary, Heretic, Aficionado, Connoisseur, Dandy, Elitist, Rascal, Gadfly, Enigma, Wallflower, Martyr, Cultivator, High Plains Drifter, Rogue, Savant, Fletcher, Demigod, Poindexter, Shut-in